So I started this sort of autobiographical book back in 2010 but never got a chance to even completely start it….I wonder if I ever will? Well read and enjoy the amateur writings of a girl trying to find herself in the pages of her life.
Fallow the Circuit
I had a plan, I would finish school and become a psychologist by the time I was 26; and then life happened. My name is Oli I am 21 and a college drop out. I am in a loveless (at least on his part) 5 yr relationship. We live in an infamous community known for its violence and gang infestation. Watts, CA is portrayed as this really though neighborhood but to me it was home. I live in my boyfriend’s two story house and my parent recently moved in upstairs. My mom is fresh out of the mental institution and has been stable on medication for the last few months. My parents have no idea that Arthur and I are on the verge of breaking up. Now let me tell you right off the bat I love Arthur, I fell for him the minute he walked to my lunch table back when we were 15. But as most high school sweet hearts our relationship is not going so well. But we’ll get to that later I am sure, now that my mother is stable and on track to getting her life back, maybe I can put my life back together. Mother was sick for years and it took a stressful toll on my relationship with Arthur. I can feel how different he is now, so detached and keeps to himself. Now that I don’t have to go to a million doctor’s appointments or tend to my mother every moment of the day to make sure she isn’t hurting herself, I can finally go back to school. So with this thought in my head I woke up today in a perky mood. I wake up with Arthurs arms around me, ever since we started living together he has never slept away from me, I turn around to kiss him to wake him up. Kissing him is an activity I could engage in for hours on end. His lips are full and soft that I feel like I melt right on them. After five years and being in a failing relationship you would think we would have stopped being affectionate but we haven’t. By the way we woke up you wouldn’t have guessed we argued the night before. Waking him up has always been a challenge, he sleeps like the dead! But this morning is his first day of work at Cap Com’s Nickel City. I thought that now that he found a job he would be less stressed and maybe if I found a job our relationship would not be so strained. Arthur also helped me make that assumption when he hinted that I should apply to his favorite electronic store Circuit City. I was appalled that he suggested this especially since I didn’t have any electronics experience and I hated electronic stores in general! I mean me and electronics just don’t mix. But I gave in and said I would apply online that night.
The day went by pretty fast Arthur came home as I was finishing dinner, handmade meatballs over pasta. He walked in smiling so I was sure this would be a good night. “I love this place Kittie, it has awesome people and all the video games that I love!” He said with a smile that I haven’t seen in a while. I felt light and buoyant that night. “Have you applied to Circuit City?” he asked after his work high came down, darn I totally forgot. “I’ll do it now I promise; just wash the dishes and I’ll go do it…” I padded back to the room and turned on my computer. As I went on the site and started the application by the 15th minute I was annoyed. I mean how many times are you going to ask me “what would you do if you saw your coworker stealing?” Finally after 100 questions and 30 minutes I finished and switched the computer off, by this time Arthur was playing his Playstation. I turned around to face him; there he was cross legged on the floor leaning against our bed, entranced in his game. At first glance he looked like a child but further inspection would show that he was anything but. Arthur stood 5’9” so kissing him was always fun and challenging. His shoulders were broad and muscular but not body builder muscular just soft enough to be welcoming to the touch, and if you looked lower you could see a nice package that promised loads of fun. Now if you asked him to turn around you would get the best part of him, his magnificent back side. No matter what jeans he wore he would always look good in them because of that firm ass. I snapped out of my admiring trance and walked over to him. “Wanna play with something more fun?” I said with the best seductive smile I could muster. Sure enough he tossed the remote on the floor and pushed me down on the soft queen sized bed. After love making I watched him as he slept. It was these moments that made me love him even more. Because of the way he always looks at my body like he couldn’t believe it was his to enjoy and his alone. He would kiss every inch of me, my feet my neck, my stomach (which I hated but still let him) and always told me how sexy I was, even though I never believed him. Who would? I am stood 5’ tall, had long brown frizzy hair that sometimes looked like a wig out of control. I was overweight but evenly all around, and by that I mean I have great looking breasts, and an ass to match. My sense of style? Well let me put it this way I never ran out of t-shirts to wear on a daily basis. Yes my sense of style wasn’t intact and I didn’t know how to dress for my size, maybe it’s because I didn’t have anyone to really talk girl stuff with? My sister was a nightmare growing up she never really took me under her wing, how could she? She was thin and beautiful, she inherited everything I didn’t. But I have learned to cope, by being the outgoing, carefree one. I have learned to love myself because no one else will if you don’t love yourself first. As cliché as that sounds it took me a long time to stop caring about peoples rude comments when I was in school, on the bus, or just walking down the street. I stopped and just saw myself in the mirror for what I was; I was beautiful in my own way. I focused on the parts of me I loved. My eye’s my mouth my breasts and of course my behind. I always looked on the bright side of things, and those were my bright sides. As I lay next to Arthur I felt like maybe this would work out, we loved each other enough to want to try harder to save our relationship. I rolled over to settle into my favorite spot and as I drifted to sleep I felt Arthur turn around and wrap his arms around me.
Eleven in the morning my cell phone rings…”hello” who would be calling me this early? Yes 11am is early for me! “Hello can I speak to Oli?” “This is her” by this time I am fully awake and aware that this is an important call maybe I should pay attention. “Yes this is Chaney from Circuit City I was wondering if you could come in for an interview tomorrow at 8am.” I can’t believe it! I get a call the very next day after applying for a job interview. “Yes I can come in, thank you so much” I shut the phone and turned to Arthur who was starting to wake up. I jumped on his back “wake up! Oh my god you won’t guess who that was! Circuit City wants to interview me tomorrow!” I was so excited I wanted to scream. I needed this job so badly because I wanted to be able to have an equal relationship and maybe this would help save it and maybe pay for some of the wedding. Oh did I not mention we were engaged? Well Arthur asked me to marry him back in senior year of high school. I guess we were so in love then that we didn’t see our future clearly. Fast track five years later and here we are trying to figure out how we got in this mess of a relationship. There were days were we would fight about him not cleaning up after himself, or him not going to school, him not having a job, me being to insecure and jealous, him being jealous and the list goes on. And then there were days when it all seemed perfect like when he took me to see the Griffith Park Light Show and we got caught in the rain, he twirled me in the rain and kissed me. Or the nights we stayed up talking hours on end about what we felt, knew, and wanted. I knew everything about him and in some ways I knew him better then he knew himself. But enough of that! Today was a day for celebration! I had a job interview and this was the day my life would change for the better. Arthur looked at me and said “Well you better get use to the electronics, maybe you could get a discount?” I ran upstairs to tell my parents but didn’t stay too long I still had trouble being around my mother which one day I will go to therapy for but that’s another story. Later that day I get a call from my brother saying that he found a big enough house to have my parents move in with him. Which I think is great because I hated that they were stuck in that tiny room all the time now they would have somewhere more comfortable to live. Things are looking up and I can’t help but feel ecstatic. Now all I have to do is think of an outfit to wear for the interview, the problem is…I don’t own anything that screams professional. Its times like these I wish I was more girly. I mean I have shorts, jeans, t-shirts but no blouses, slacks or vests. So? Time to go shopping! I ask Arthur for some cash to try and put together something presentable. He works today so I guess I will have to drop him off and this means I get to pick up my best friend for some girl time. This day is turning out to be great. By the way did I mention I don’t have a license to drive? Ok yes I am a 21 year old who does not have a license! In short it’s because it took me so long to decide to drive because of an accident I was in when I was younger. I feared being in a car for months after the accident. Even now I hate sitting in back seats I panic sometimes. But I learned and I can drive now and I do have a permit I just need to take the driving test and pass. Moving on! I drop Arthur off and pick up Dana. Dana has been my friend since 10th grade. She and I have become super close and talk about everything, including our relationships. We arrive at my favorite store and I instantly I found a button down dress shirt that would be perfect. As we walk up to the counter Dana has a look on her face like she is holding something back, “is there something bugging you?” I ask. “It’s Paco, he has been acting distant and just plain mean. We have been fighting and I don’t know what’s going on. I think he is cheating on me.” I don’t know what to say? What do you say to that? I turn and pay for the blouse. Dana fallows me out of the store and is expecting my response but I don’t know what to tell her darn it! “Look you guys have been together for a long time, and we all have ups and downs. Look at me and Arthur, one minute I want to kill him and the next were having the best time.” I stop and turn to look at her. “You guys just need to calm down and talk, don’t jump to any conclusions ok.” She gives me a hug and sighs “ok you’re right I don’t have any proof and I shouldn’t assume anything, let’s go I’m starving! Want some fries with ranch?” Yum fries with ranch were our favorite food…period! The Tam’s Burgers was down the street from where we lived and was our favorite place to go and just eat and relax. As I drove to the restaurant I hoped that nothing serious was going on with Paco he seemed so in love.
The next morning was a blur, I heard my alarm clock go off and I jumped out of bed. I didn’t sleep much I had dreams about all kinds of mishaps preventing me from going to this interview. As you will soon find out I am a worrier! I worry about everything and everyone. Mom always use to say that I wanted to save the world. Remembering the way she was, always tugs at my heart, I missed my mother. She was my rock, my mentor in every way. She always seemed to have the answers. One day I will see her again, I know y’all are confused right now thinkin’ “well isn’t your mama living with you?” She is but, she has been mentally ill for the past 3 years. I haven’t seen my mother sane in almost 3 years. Even after she was treated it was never the same. The doctors say it takes time for patients to find themselves again, and I can only hope that they are right. But that’s another story! I have to get going or I am going to be late, and nothing good comes out of being late. It only took me 30 min. but I am ready. Arthur was even up on time! How supportive. During the drive I start feeling nervous “Arthur what if they don’t like me?” I look over to him, he still looks so sleepy. “Don’t worry they will, you’re so smart and you will learn quickly.” But I had other fears, ones I never spoke about. “I know I am smart but, what if they don’t like my size? I mean I am a big girl I know I am smarter than most and I can do the job, but will I be judged on my looks? “Arthur looks at me and for a split second I could see worry in his face, because I never showed him my insecurities before. Yeah I loved myself but I still felt a little uncomfortable with my size sometimes. I wished that the world wasn’t so obsessed with size. That people could just be people not numbers. But that wasn’t the case and I learned to adapt a long time ago now it was time to put my self-confidence to the test. “Oli that doesn’t matter, you look great they will be stupid to not hire you! Now don’t get nervous and just be you.” We pulled up to the big red box looking store, and I got out of the car and walked in to meet my destiny.
I stepped out of Circuit City’s doors and walked calmly to Arthur’s car, after all I should maintain my composure until I was safely out of other people’s eyes. As soon as I sat inside the car I squealed with excitement “Oh my god Arthur I got it! I can’t believe it I got it!” He looked smug as he smiled “see, I told you they would snatch you right up, Oli you don’t see yourself like I see you” and he leaned in for a quick kiss. As we drove home I let my mind wonder about how life had finally started to take a turn for the better. It was April 4th and the month was starting of better than I had dreamed. Now all I have to do is save up for the perfect gift for Arthur’s 22nd birthday on the 30th of this month. I already had something in mind but I don’t know if I will be able to afford it since we have rent and bills to pay. I never imagined my life would be like this. Sometimes making plans is pointless because life is not going to wait for you. Life doesn’t stop because your mother got sick, life keeps going…so will I. My plan just took a few detours but I know today is the beginning of getting back on track.
Into the Circuit
It’s been a few weeks since I started working at Circuit City, and I have to say it’s different from anywhere I’ve worked before. The people are so nice! There is one person in particular that I am gravitating towards. His name is Dave, and he is a walking temptation! Yes I have sinned, by drooling over a man that I do not live with. But in my defense no one should be that attractive dam it! Dave is 6’ 1” of tall gorgeousness; he has chin length straight hair, low rise skinny jeans, and a Taking Back Sunday sweater that makes him look like he just walked out of an Emo bands photo shoot. It’s hard to work with him because not only do we get along so well, I can’t even concentrated when he is talking to me. This could be really bad. I love Arthur but I haven’t been attracted to anyone else…until now. It wasn’t just Dave’s looks, he had a brain to match. Dave was going to college to become a Computer Engineer and his vocabulary was so sexy to me, yes I said vocabulary. Hearing him speak was so fun, his vocabulary consisted of terms like “kick ass” and “cool beans”. He was the coolest person I have met in my whole life. Yeah this was bad. I am determined to see him as a co-worker and a friend. After all I was deeply in love with Arthur…right?
Yeah that is as far as I got with that…. haven’t really had time to write more….and boy is there more! Maybe one day I will finish this, because that really was the beginning of my adulthood. It was a rude awakening and somehow I survived a failed first love, family events, shattered friendships and just drama. Somehow I am still a strong believer in people and I hope I never lose that. No matter how many times people disappoint me, I still believe in there is good in everyone.
~Olivia~
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